Love is all we need ...in public?

Perhaps I should have been brought up in an Indian family, as my family did not do public shows of affection (nor private shows of affection, come to think of it – at least not between parents and children). I remember my acute embarrassment when I first went on an exchange visit to a French family when I was 14 and was confronted by continental-style 2-cheek kissing everywhere – and expected to join in. Every time you met someone, even someone you didn’t really know, they did the whole ‘mwa! mwa!’ thing on both cheeks (or maybe 3 times in France – you can tell I am out of practice). I was painfully shy and it was way too much for me. On a later visit to the same French family, my French friend had by that time found her first boyfriend. Muggins here found herself in the unenviable position of having to stand a respectable distance away from the happy couple at a Metro station while they embraced and snogged in public for what seemed like ages, while I tried not to look at them in case I stared.

But adolescence came and went, boyfriends came (and went) and I kind of got the hang of it – at least in private. I can just about do holding hands in public and maybe the odd peck on the cheek or perhaps lips but that’s my limit.

I am therefore perfectly happy in a country like India that also does not do public displays of affection – at least not between men and women. Richard Gere famously provoked condemnation when he kissed Shilpa Shetty at an Aids awareness rally in New Delhi in 2007, being accused of ‘insulting’ Indian culture. One of the strangest sights though, on my first visit to India was to see men (presumably just friends, or perhaps not) walking round holding hands, or with their arms around the other’s shoulders – in a way that you would never (at least rarely) see in London. And of course in Bollywood films, you would never see a man and woman actually kissing. You would see the man (eg. Shah Rukh Khan) come tantalisingly within a centimetre of the woman’s mouth before turning away. You could see as much suggestive dancing in wet saris, moving hips and holding each other as you wanted – but no actual kissing.

Susen took some delight in teasing me when we went to Delhi a couple of years ago about how he was going to hold my hand and kiss me in public there – to cries of ‘no way!’ from me. No way was I going to somehow reinforce the stereotype (perhaps receding) of the ‘loose’ Western woman lacking any sense of moral values by virtue of coming from a country where pre-marital sex is the norm.

But it seems that the times may be changing. The New York Times yesterday reported that in India, kisses are on the rise, even in public (link to article here). I must admit that until I read the article, I had completely missed the real significance of Shah Rukh’s last film – Jab Tak Hai Jaan – in that he actually kissed his love interest (Katrina Kaif) for the first time on screen. The sky hasn’t caved in (yet). According to Dr Srivastava, an Indian sociologist quoted in the article, “That kiss was an incredibly important moment, ......Shah Rukh Khan defines what is mainstream. If he does it, it becomes acceptable.”

Parts of the New York Times article made me quite sad. Dr Roy Abraham Kallivayalil, President of the Indian Psychiatric Society said ‘“I don’t tell my wife that I love her …….my father has never in 88 years told me that he loved me. We don’t do that.” Perhaps I am sad because my family didn’t do ‘love’ either – which made me all the more determined to tell my son often how much I love him.

Sad perhaps also because I had in my mind that maybe India was like Victorian Britain – where although public morality might be very conservative, underneath that exterior, it was all going on. But maybe not. According to Dr Sharma, a psychiatrist practising in New Delhi, younger women now are more insistent that their emotional needs are met – which ‘often involves kissing’. Which tends to suggest that kissing was not part of marital intimacy for many couples in the past. Another Dr Kothari (founder of the department of sexual medicine at Seth Gordhandas Sunderdas Medical College in Mumbai) said, ‘“For years, most Indian men used sex with their partners as a kind of sleeping pill, and few devoted any time to foreplay……..now, many women are able to ask for what they want.” Thank goodness for that.

Maybe the old maxim of supporters of arranged marriages – ‘marriage first, then love comes after’ does not always work out so well. After all, you are not going to always get it right – many of us would cringe at the thought of having got married to our first boyfriends or girlfriends and still being stuck with them, rather than being able to move on as we have grown and changed.

But it seems India is slowly becoming more liberal – with women becoming more assertive about what they want and (at least among the urban educated) more say in their choice of marriage partner. Ever since seeing Shankar Mahadevan in concert in London last year, I have loved his exuberant and warm-hearted style – and obvious love for his wife. He posts on Facebook about how much he loves her on her birthday and today, for Valentine’s Day he posts ‘Happy Valentines day to all my darlings !!! Love is the greatest power we have !! Spread it :)’

Here here!! So, Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone – don’t forget to tell your nearest and dearest how much you love them and, if you are really daring, give them a kiss in public.